One Hell of a Conspiracy
by dustbowls
Summary: In which Itachi becomes ANBU captain, eschews violence, and leads a rebellion or two of his own. Oneshot, fourth scenario of the "He was Captain" series. Warning: utter crack.


**Notes: **I am so sorry. I was really enjoying **Sarah1281**'s writing on FF (would recommend almost all her Naruto fics) but I also plan to someday deal seriously with a concept of ANBU that's in series canon – such as the fact that apparently, only the Kage and village elders know the identity of whoever's in ANBU. This creates a problem for all the non-Uchiha massacre alternate universes where the female population is drooling over Itachi because he's the coolest, i.e., super ANBU captain.

If no one knows who's in ANBU, what do they think the people in ANBU are doing? Where do they think the pay comes from? I assume the ninja expect to hear certain people's names and certain common missions. Then again, Orochimaru and Danzou got a lot of crap past the radar. And the village council probably issues bogus assignments to cover up what the ANBU are actually doing. I guess this _is _total crack after all. My apologies, especially to Canon!Fugaku, who reacted quite differently to Itachi's ANBU position.

I honestly didn't intend to write another oneshot (or a oneshot of drabbles with a lot of inferred progression) before going back to "A Wheel in Constant Motion"/Scenario 2, but it just exploded.

_General premise of the "He was Captain" series: _Uchiha Itachi is ANBU captain or holds that position for some time even after he's past the age of 13. (This 4th scenario bends that rule a little.) Usually, the Uchiha massacre hasn't taken place or is somehow averted.

Disclaimer: (Aside from the obvious) Definition taken from the World English Dictionary.

* * *

><p><strong>conspiracy<strong>:

1. A secret plan or agreement to carry out an illegal or harmful act, esp with political motivation; plot.

2. the act of making such plans in secret.

* * *

><p><em>To begin, one needs a motive.<em>

Many years ago, Itachi looked down at baby Sasuke's pudgy crying face, and realized that he never wanted his brother to live through a war or go through what he had.

* * *

><p><em>How Itachi got recruited, Part xxxiv<em>

"Yeah, it's really cool," said Kakashi, sounding as enthused as he ever did. "You get this spiffy uniform that no one else can wear." He left out the fact that no one else would wear it if it weren't regulation gear.

"Looks good on you," said Cat-Face, a.k.a. Tenzou. "Now put on the mask. Perfect. You can't wear the uniform without the mask."

* * *

><p><em>Perks of the job<em>

"You get bragging rights, too. As long as it still seems unbelievable that you'd be recruited into the elite black ops."

"Let me get this straight," said Itachi. "We can't tell anyone our real profession?"

"Pretty much."

"And we tell people whatever we want when they ask us what we do when we're away all the time."

"I guess," Cat-Face admitted. "Although those who expect to see you around might get suspicious."

* * *

><p><em>And thus<em>

Fugaku frowned. "Son, as an Uchiha, you should feel embarrassed to receive government handouts. It's time you went out and found a job. Did some missions."

"But I'm already in the ANBU," said Itachi. "They made me lieutenant-captain on a mission three months ago."

Fugaku chortled. "Ha! A likely story."

He began to suspect that his son was telling the truth when he saw Itachi at kunai practice in his free time. But as Itachi was careful to fumble a few kunai in front of his fellow would-be jounin and even helped pull off a stupid eraser prank on his genin instructor, the suspicion never reached full bloom.

"Ah, he's just like his useless cousin Obito," they all agreed.

* * *

><p><em>The definition of black ops<em>

"So in other words, the Hokage and the village council can't explain where thirty percent of the village funds is going?"

"At least not to the civilians."

"I see," said Itachi.

Tenzou felt worried.

* * *

><p><em>On his promotion<em>

"Good luck with that," Kakashi drawled. "Being captain sucks."

"Kakashi!"

"Sorry, I meant 'the height of cool.' I know you've always aspired to that, Itachi."

"'Cool' is a term of social acknowledgement, which I wouldn't enjoy since I can't brag about being captain anyway," Itachi pointed out, even though it went without saying that none of his actions were motivated by the desire to be the height of cool. "But can I tell my parents at least?" Itachi's parents, however, did not consider him the height of cool.

* * *

><p><em>The civilians weigh in<em>

"Doesn't it bother you that you live under an arbitrary military regime ruled not by whomever's the smartest or best suited for the job, but just whoever can beat up everyone else in Konoha?"

"We hadn't really thought of any alternative," the man said earnestly. "You see, we've been living under one military regime after another for so long."

"Well, I'm here to propose a coup," said Itachi. "But let's avoid violence where possible."

* * *

><p><em>If everyone just sat down and talked it through <em>or, _How Itachi persuaded the clan against violent methods_

"But they're civilians! How will cooperating with _civvies_ work?" asked Shisui, showing that despite his comparative rationality, he was still susceptible to prejudice.

"Most of our clan is in the Konoha Police Force, so we're the only feasible law enforcement that they have right now. And if we support their peaceful coup, they'll probably continue to acknowledge the legitimacy of our role."

"Can't we at least pick off a couple of people?"

Itachi tried not to sigh. "Do you not understand the meaning of the word 'peaceful'?"

"You're talking to a bunch of Uchiha here," said Shisui. "I'm just trying to anticipate the questions. I mean, not even Danzou?"

"Well, maybe him," Itachi started. "No, wait, we need him for the highly public trial."

* * *

><p><em>Integrity<em>

"All in favor?"

"I don't like it," said Uchiha Yashiro. "Going in Sharingan blazing, kunai flying, is much more honest."

"Yeah, that's worked out so well for us in the past," retorted Uchiha Teyaki, who could already envision expanding his senbei shop into the civilian quarter. He kept his hand raised. Yashiro looked around and realized that he'd been outvoted.

* * *

><p><em>The truth<em>

"Your brother really has been doing all this for your own good," Shisui assured him.

"Really?" asked eight-year-old Sasuke. "You mean that it's a good thing I can no longer remotely hope to lead Konoha by beating up every other ninja systematically, and have to win popular support instead?"

Shisui thought about it some more.

"No, he's actually pretty evil. Sorry."

Sasuke observed his brother's social skills discreetly and figured that he might still have a chance.

* * *

><p><em>Some perk<em>

"What can I say?" drawled Kakashi, looking cool as he slouched against the wall. "You get a lot of respect as an ANBU vet."

...

"My new instructor is so lame," complained Sasuke over dinner. "He fell for the dumbass's chalk eraser prank."

"I can see how much respect an ANBU veteran receives," said Itachi.

"Oh, come on," said Sasuke. "You'd think it was stupid, too."

* * *

><p>"<em>Tobi" fails to recognize Konoha<em>

A masked man strolled boldly into the tall building with the enormous Fire sigil where the Hokage worked. To his surprise, he was immediately offered refreshments and polite answers to his queries.

"We don't have a Hokage," was the slightly apologetic answer, "but our annually Elected Administrative Chairman can see you in fifteen minutes."

No Hokage? What was this? "Never mind," said Tobi, getting up from the plush waiting chair. "I'll see him another time." He'd clearly mistaken the secretary for a shinobi because of that pilfered forehead protector.

"Who was it?" asked Itachi as Hayate returned.

"Some weird man in a mask," answered the aide to the EAC.

Itachi shrugged. Now they could return to the most important issues at hand. "From now on, the EAC is to be known as the Elected Administrative Chairperson. We don't want to prevent any women from running for the post."

* * *

><p><em>A peaceful transition<em>

"No way," said Tsunade, when the messengers arrived to ask her if she would make a candidacy statement. "I'm not interested in running unless I get to siphon off the village funds."

"Perhaps an arrangement might be made," said Kotetsu, who was only subbing for Hayate because the fulltime aide had taken sick leave. After all, a little benign corruption never hurt anyone.


End file.
